Early Morning Light – John Calvi
I haven’t put this story to paper before. I understand it differently now, maybe in ways I couldn’t have decades ago. It was early morning when the phone rang. A woman I’d taught with in prisons was calling. She’d just come back from the hospital with a young friend who’d been raped earlier that morning. Could I come do healing work at the survivor’s house now.
I shower, dress, and leave in haste of bodily motion. But in my mind I am quiet and prayerful. Be thou with me as I do this work. May I be a vessel of Light. It’s a long drive, giving me the time to go over what I’ve heard and then set the details aside to reach my deepest calm and feel the heat grow in my hands. No worries. No fear. Don’t interrupt the given flow of Light with mere human obstructions. Ride the high tide to deliver the best.
She’d been out late at a party. Walking back to her car in a dangerous part of town, this small young woman was literally picked up and carried in to an abandoned building by a much larger man. She struggled and was beaten. And when he was done, he just walked off leaving her in the dark and cold. From the police station, she called her friend. They met with the police at the hospital. And now they both were at the survivor’s home.
I come in slow and quiet. I need to see and feel her response to this assault before I begin any work. Is she tired and weary into calm or fretful? Is she still or pacing? Are words still too much to process or can simple conversation going slow happen without too much pressure. She is in pajamas in the living room. Showered and weary, she’s been given a sedative but hasn’t slept really. We don’t discuss particulars. She feels best close to her friend and not talking very much.
She lies on the carpet and we begin. I keep my hands soft and my touch firm. I only touch her head and limbs and do not approach the areas of trespass. I’ve done this work more times than I can count because sexually abused women make up the largest group on the planet. But always the work is years after the assault, not fresh like this.
There are not words to describe how it feels to open yourself to feel another’s pain come in to your body. There can be no flinching or wincing or partial acceptance. It’s beyond story or listening to the wailing or witnessing desperation. It’s a wave of knives forcing their way through. And any resistance catches like fishhooks. The task is to come in calm and strong. Stand and face the wave. Feel all of it’s meaning and dimension. And let it go through- the bull under the red cape, the car sliding sideways on ice, the grief of trespass, brutality, and disrespect without filter.
I touch her head and shoulders. I hold her feet. I hold her hands and draw down her arms. Each of these is a hello and can we connect essential energies. Mostly it feels like an empty garage, only a shell. But by and by comes that feeling of yes, I am here and soon a flood of that essence of her pushes to the surface. I draw this out as one would unfold a large tablecloth underwater to find the stains that need soap and scrubbing. More and more comes to the surface, show me all there is.
She is still lying quietly with little expression, no sound. And I am working up a sweat doing simple touches, all the heavy lifting is felt and not seen until- towards the end of the work I am sweeping my hands over her as though I am gathering up all the Light around her body. I am scooping up her most immediate and intense self to raise it upward, heaven-ward, for cleaning. And this is when tons of grief lift from her body, pass through mine, and are released. My face crumples with terrifying sadness, my arms stay aloft, and a rage and deep sadness washes through and is gone in moments. The friend sees this and identifies it accurately later. The survivor goes off to bed to sleep peacefully.
I have a long drive home in which to be in awe of those moments and the task of being faithful and doing more somewhere soon. I’ll see her a decade later at a funeral. She will thank me again and I become teary to hear her gratitude and remember that early morning Light.
And now it’s more than 20 years gone as I write this. Looking back I can see this miracle not of my making is what I wanted for the first battered woman I knew, my mother. To live with the unrelenting violence and no one making protection put a longing in me. How this longing became connected to warm hands to lift wounds out of the body is beyond my understanding. It’s a horrible gift- horrible and beautiful. Horrible because there are no gloves save focusing on the Light. And it cannot be done except in the war zone of that persons trespass. It’s beautiful because relief is witnessed over and over in the most splendid geometry of balance and rightness. It’s changed for me over the years, but the basics remain the same. Gathering enough reverence before is crucial. Rest and quiet afterwards are important too. I’ve made a small beautiful life so I can dip into gruesome. The older I get, the more beauty I need.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
January Sabbatical Journal 2009
Some travel these last few weeks, out of the New England winter. As this sabbatical closes, I find more and more moments of pondering this past year and seeing so much more of myself. It’s clear that I am a nicer person when I am working- something about the disciplines of work, setting the self aside, and not so me involved. It’s also true that I haven’t been this rested since I left working on the loading dock and had a long break before becoming a Montessori teacher in 74.
One of the more shocking revelations this year was to understand that I am old. Now, you may say that 56 is not old. But what I sense is that I was too busy to notice how hard I pushed over the years to get it all done. Each year I’ve had to push a little harder. This year of not pushing made obvious that my body is worn from the pace and the intensity. And I make myself laugh as I ponder simultaneously how can I make my life less intense and would it be possible to get to every yearly meeting in North America to teach about torture in the next year or two.
Other opposites present themselves to me. I have a growing sense of mercy in myself and my work over the years. I had so little of it early in life and have learned about mercy very slowly. Having mercy for rapists in my prison work when I was in the midst of my own incest work was a turning point decades ago. And that arc has increased. I can feel when I have no mercy on those impatient days when each moment seems fraught with the too-much of life. And I can feel the relief when I take a breath and become a wiser self that wants to be differently in the world.
Another opposite is feeling stronger and more alive in my body after these months of physical work, but saddened not to have lost weight. I remember a year ago thinking that 12 months was infinite and all manner of things would be possible. (I could even be tall and blond if I put my mind to it.)
To feel the relief of accomplishing some goals and the disappointment of feeling my limits gives me a more rounded view of myself. So often I’ve found myself blazing some necessary trail and insisting that something could be done, probably as a way to fend off my own fears of its impossibility. Stubbornness has its place as all progress comes from unreasonable people. And of course stubbornness is a personal obstacle to my own necessary changes. I want routine and avoid all structure. I crave peace and quiet, but am bored by stillness. I am intrigued by how trouble can be deconstructed.
Another change I've noticed: in Putney Meeting in Vermont and Claremont Meeting in California, I have noticed that I went deeply and quickly into the depths of the silence in meeting for worship. The hour flew by and left me hungry for more. The time was too short. Am I becoming a Buddhist? I am delighted to feel the depth and ease of spiritual entry. But I also notice I am dissatisfied with much of the spoken ministry. There's too much thinking, not enough sense of the spirit coming through. Am I becoming a grouchy old Quaker who wants to yell, "If you can’t improve upon the silence, then hush up! If you’ve only been here 15 years, keep listening! Quakerism is cumulative!" I am becoming exactly the person I would flee from as a young person.
Sabbatical has also given me time to go slowly enough to see that I need to be more careful with who I am. Often people ascribe power to me that is either news to me or I assume we all share equally. It’s not a pedestal so much as it is some sense that I do take up a lot of space and hopefully I will put this force to good use. It’s good that people in trouble are hopeful that someone else might be helpful. It’s a delicate balance to maybe be helpful without being seen as a solution. At the same time, there is a cultural reluctance to own the power that is given in the Light. In that moment of grace when healing comes, I know it’s a gift from above that only comes through me. I also know that to surrender my life to making this gift is to live a powerful life, a life in which my own innumerable imperfections are lessened in the midst of that Light.
One of the difficulties in a lifetime of healing work is that connection to the Light -- that moment when messages come and hands get warm and changes large or small are made and literal, linear thinking is overridden with new understanding for which words are insufficient. This moment can be such a bounty of peace and calm, an escape from one's deficits so as to make one a grace junkie. Yes, let’s go back to that place and stay longer. It also means that this on-going experience sets one apart from others who may have this sense only a few times in their life.
Because it is cumulative, going back to this well in any regular way makes life different. In some ways, this can make a life of healing work lonely. There is lots of connection to grace, not through any difference in me, but by calling, obedience, and duty. This makes a life separated from people who have less of it, not unlike having lots of money, being very attractive, or possessing artistic skills.
This is the hardest thing to describe without being misunderstood as arrogant. I know I’m not important. I also know my path is not shared by many. Is it arrogant to name this? Some will say, "Yes, who do you think you are?" Others will hear what I mean. And I know it’s easy enough to misunderstand, so I try not to get into it.
Here I am at the end of a time of rest and restoration. I’ve gotten done much of what I set out to do, but haven’t done all I’d hoped for. Now, I come back into the fray with some sense that I have a lifetime of experience which I can continue to make use of with people in the pain and confusion of trauma. As someone older in the work, I can’t do as much as I did when I was younger. It’s also true that as an elder in the work, I can do more with less effort. My overview and rest habits are better. While I have less patience with foolishness, especially my own, I love good, hard work, as when things are cooking hot and movement towards resolution of a long-held mystery is finally possible. Can the grief come out of this shoulder? Can we understand that torture is being done as a system and bring democracy to bear on ending it? Can I teach a large group how to reach their deepest quiet by relaxing their bodies and prepare for larger spiritual work?
That seems enough to me. Enough as a life work, enough as a faithful response to gifts given and calling heard, and enough to go on as I am able without stopping, finishing, or over-doing.
Meanwhile, I’ve begun editing transcripts of speeches for a book. Yesterday, I cleaned out a closet to find my winter coat. I found a dozen leather travel bags, all beautiful in their age and wear. I suppose as I look in the mirror I look the same: well-used, ridden hard, tough around the wrinkles, and buttery soft to the touch.
I am coming out of sabbatical incrementally. I am reluctant to return to listserves, but I am back to reading 6 newspapers a day. I have stacks and lists of things to do at my desk and have given most of the morning to the luxury of writing this. How do I get work done, keep balance and humor, and know that it’s enough? I swear off all guilt, rushing needlessly, and my tendency to feel a nap coming on before all large work.
Perhaps the most profound experience this past year is that enough people financially supported this rest. Enough people valued my work to grant me the luxury of time to rest. Imagine in these economic times that someone who lives mainly on gifts and works by invitation would ask for some time to lie down. Enough kindness and care came forward so this could happen. This is gigantic in my life. So, too, I must say is the love and care of my husband, Marshall Brewer, who helped me with QUIT work plus all my travel work these many years. And even now as he does his own job while finishing up a second masters degree, he still makes sure that I am on track for rest, nutrition, and being my best. 2009 is our 20th year married and I’m sure this accounts for my good work as much as any heaven-sent gift.
More than this, I’m not sure how to tell you what is new here in this snowy little corner of the world while awaiting the changing of the guard in Washington, and getting ready for my own busy year, and hoping this new man in DC remembers why he’s been chosen and all the good that needs doing.
One of the more shocking revelations this year was to understand that I am old. Now, you may say that 56 is not old. But what I sense is that I was too busy to notice how hard I pushed over the years to get it all done. Each year I’ve had to push a little harder. This year of not pushing made obvious that my body is worn from the pace and the intensity. And I make myself laugh as I ponder simultaneously how can I make my life less intense and would it be possible to get to every yearly meeting in North America to teach about torture in the next year or two.
Other opposites present themselves to me. I have a growing sense of mercy in myself and my work over the years. I had so little of it early in life and have learned about mercy very slowly. Having mercy for rapists in my prison work when I was in the midst of my own incest work was a turning point decades ago. And that arc has increased. I can feel when I have no mercy on those impatient days when each moment seems fraught with the too-much of life. And I can feel the relief when I take a breath and become a wiser self that wants to be differently in the world.
Another opposite is feeling stronger and more alive in my body after these months of physical work, but saddened not to have lost weight. I remember a year ago thinking that 12 months was infinite and all manner of things would be possible. (I could even be tall and blond if I put my mind to it.)
To feel the relief of accomplishing some goals and the disappointment of feeling my limits gives me a more rounded view of myself. So often I’ve found myself blazing some necessary trail and insisting that something could be done, probably as a way to fend off my own fears of its impossibility. Stubbornness has its place as all progress comes from unreasonable people. And of course stubbornness is a personal obstacle to my own necessary changes. I want routine and avoid all structure. I crave peace and quiet, but am bored by stillness. I am intrigued by how trouble can be deconstructed.
Another change I've noticed: in Putney Meeting in Vermont and Claremont Meeting in California, I have noticed that I went deeply and quickly into the depths of the silence in meeting for worship. The hour flew by and left me hungry for more. The time was too short. Am I becoming a Buddhist? I am delighted to feel the depth and ease of spiritual entry. But I also notice I am dissatisfied with much of the spoken ministry. There's too much thinking, not enough sense of the spirit coming through. Am I becoming a grouchy old Quaker who wants to yell, "If you can’t improve upon the silence, then hush up! If you’ve only been here 15 years, keep listening! Quakerism is cumulative!" I am becoming exactly the person I would flee from as a young person.
Sabbatical has also given me time to go slowly enough to see that I need to be more careful with who I am. Often people ascribe power to me that is either news to me or I assume we all share equally. It’s not a pedestal so much as it is some sense that I do take up a lot of space and hopefully I will put this force to good use. It’s good that people in trouble are hopeful that someone else might be helpful. It’s a delicate balance to maybe be helpful without being seen as a solution. At the same time, there is a cultural reluctance to own the power that is given in the Light. In that moment of grace when healing comes, I know it’s a gift from above that only comes through me. I also know that to surrender my life to making this gift is to live a powerful life, a life in which my own innumerable imperfections are lessened in the midst of that Light.
One of the difficulties in a lifetime of healing work is that connection to the Light -- that moment when messages come and hands get warm and changes large or small are made and literal, linear thinking is overridden with new understanding for which words are insufficient. This moment can be such a bounty of peace and calm, an escape from one's deficits so as to make one a grace junkie. Yes, let’s go back to that place and stay longer. It also means that this on-going experience sets one apart from others who may have this sense only a few times in their life.
Because it is cumulative, going back to this well in any regular way makes life different. In some ways, this can make a life of healing work lonely. There is lots of connection to grace, not through any difference in me, but by calling, obedience, and duty. This makes a life separated from people who have less of it, not unlike having lots of money, being very attractive, or possessing artistic skills.
This is the hardest thing to describe without being misunderstood as arrogant. I know I’m not important. I also know my path is not shared by many. Is it arrogant to name this? Some will say, "Yes, who do you think you are?" Others will hear what I mean. And I know it’s easy enough to misunderstand, so I try not to get into it.
Here I am at the end of a time of rest and restoration. I’ve gotten done much of what I set out to do, but haven’t done all I’d hoped for. Now, I come back into the fray with some sense that I have a lifetime of experience which I can continue to make use of with people in the pain and confusion of trauma. As someone older in the work, I can’t do as much as I did when I was younger. It’s also true that as an elder in the work, I can do more with less effort. My overview and rest habits are better. While I have less patience with foolishness, especially my own, I love good, hard work, as when things are cooking hot and movement towards resolution of a long-held mystery is finally possible. Can the grief come out of this shoulder? Can we understand that torture is being done as a system and bring democracy to bear on ending it? Can I teach a large group how to reach their deepest quiet by relaxing their bodies and prepare for larger spiritual work?
That seems enough to me. Enough as a life work, enough as a faithful response to gifts given and calling heard, and enough to go on as I am able without stopping, finishing, or over-doing.
Meanwhile, I’ve begun editing transcripts of speeches for a book. Yesterday, I cleaned out a closet to find my winter coat. I found a dozen leather travel bags, all beautiful in their age and wear. I suppose as I look in the mirror I look the same: well-used, ridden hard, tough around the wrinkles, and buttery soft to the touch.
I am coming out of sabbatical incrementally. I am reluctant to return to listserves, but I am back to reading 6 newspapers a day. I have stacks and lists of things to do at my desk and have given most of the morning to the luxury of writing this. How do I get work done, keep balance and humor, and know that it’s enough? I swear off all guilt, rushing needlessly, and my tendency to feel a nap coming on before all large work.
Perhaps the most profound experience this past year is that enough people financially supported this rest. Enough people valued my work to grant me the luxury of time to rest. Imagine in these economic times that someone who lives mainly on gifts and works by invitation would ask for some time to lie down. Enough kindness and care came forward so this could happen. This is gigantic in my life. So, too, I must say is the love and care of my husband, Marshall Brewer, who helped me with QUIT work plus all my travel work these many years. And even now as he does his own job while finishing up a second masters degree, he still makes sure that I am on track for rest, nutrition, and being my best. 2009 is our 20th year married and I’m sure this accounts for my good work as much as any heaven-sent gift.
More than this, I’m not sure how to tell you what is new here in this snowy little corner of the world while awaiting the changing of the guard in Washington, and getting ready for my own busy year, and hoping this new man in DC remembers why he’s been chosen and all the good that needs doing.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
John Calvi’s Year End Letter 2008
Dear Friends,
A year ago I was finishing up another year of travel work and was quite weary. I said good-bye to several people with chronic conditions I’d been working with over the years, stepped aside as founder and convener of The Quaker Initiative to End Torture- QUIT, and began my sabbatical. My intentions were to rest and restore my body and mind for another 25 years of compassionate work. I separated myself from work entirely- no teaching about trauma or torture, no touch work healing trauma. I stopped reading 6 newspapers a day, got off listserves, and had an auto-reply for email- gone fishing.
At first I did much resting, always needing more than I knew. The torture nightmares ended and I slept through the nights. After some travel, I was painting the small upstairs of our little house, discovering that I had neither talent nor skill for such but had chosen the most wonderful blue. Various corners of the household got cleaned out- my archives got put into dryer, more useable space, linen tablecloths from years of thrift store finds became many pillow cases. It was a winter of resting and nesting.
With spring came outdoor work- mowing the field twice, moving tree limbs and collecting kindling. I hauled a thousand pounds of rock, soil, and flagstone. I created 2 new vegetable beds, a flowerbed, outdoor steps for our 3 south-facing doors, and began a rock wall. The goal of restoring my body with physical work was being met. I am stronger in body, toned muscles, clearer of mind, and grateful.
A couple of interruptions held sway. A diagnosis of osteoporosis in the spring was a shock and discomforting. A “heart event” this fall seemed to show what I thought was an inherited trait of an occasional slight cardiac arrhythmia needing only rest. But the cardiologist says no, it's unclear what happened and I am fine. Blood pressure is better but I have failed to lose enough weight to stop meds. Amidst all this, please know I am very well, active, happy, and glad to have rested now.
All in all, I am a much more healthy person- rested and cleared of accumulated body and mind fatigue. But the years, or actually the miles, are being revealed in my body during this long hibernation. I trust that my spiritual disciplines of rest and cleansing will mean years of good works to come. My leadings continue, well tested and honed, from years of being faithful, constant learning, and gratitude.
My work calendar begins in February 2009. I am feeling a renewed delight at the idea of being on the road and being of help once again. I’ve new appetite for teaching and touch work. I’ve warmed up my hands a bit this fall, which I’ve written about on my blog - see link from www.johncalvi.com
Working by invitation and gifts for 25 years has been miraculous. Now to have had a long rest supported by the grace of your gifts is a blessing beyond good care and respect. I am more grateful than I have words to share for this wonderful gift of sabbatical. As I set to work on a book of speeches in these last sabbatical months, please consider sending me a gift. Your good care and kindness has made all this possible for me to reach so many over time. Please help me continue.
In the Light,
PO Box 301 Putney VT 05346
John Calvi’s Partial Incomplete 2009 Calendar (as of Nov 08)
February 27- March 1 Powell House Deeply Relax to Deepen the Spirit powellhouse.org
Old Chatham, NY
March 29 Colorado Regional Spring Gathering of Quakers- talk on Spiritual Deepening Denver, CO
April 24-26 Woolman Hill Spiritual Disciplines for Healing woolmanhill.org
Deerfield, MA
May 29-31 Pendle Hill Lay Down the Burden and Rest pendlehill.org
Wallingford, PA
June 27-July 4 Friends General Conference workshops fgcquaker.org
Blacksburg, VA
July 15-19 North Pacific Yearly Mtg Keynote/Friend in Residence npym.org
Missoula, MT
August 3-5 New England Yearly Meeting workshops neym.org
Smithfield, RI
September 25-27 Quaker Center weekend workshop quakercenter.org
Ben Lomond, CA
Please send a gift to my address below.
I need your gifts during sabbatical to rest and prepare for another 25 years.
Definitions- tax law says a donation carries the expectation of work for which I am taxed.
A gift is given out of respect, affection, or charity, such as
my birthday- May 14, my wedding anniversary- August 28, or a Christmas gift.
“Chief among the sabbatical luxuries is solitude. I have always, all my life, needed more time to myself than anyone I know. It’s difficult to explain. Often it feels as though I am not sure what I am feeling until there is no one else around- as though others feelings clog my radar until what is mine is unclear. I did not consciously learn the discipline of solitude as a pragmatic professional and spiritual practice for someone of my gifts until I was in my 30’s. And then what might be possible unfolded in bright colors after years of yearning for goodness knows what. What was all this feeling and sensitivity for? Why could I feel where the trouble was in the room or in one person’s body? Why did I know the questions to help sort out confusion and pain but was too shy to speak or believe I might know something?” - sabbatical journal November 2008 - Blog via Website.
New engagement updates, photos, and writings at my website- Please see my journal BLOG now.
My thanks to Blake Arnall and Sehoon Ahn for website expertise.
John Calvi PO Box 301 Putney, VT 05346 calvij@sover.net 802/387-4789
November Sabbatical Journal 2008
I knew I was missing teaching. The whole dynamic of observing someone and offering something that might be of help is just so ingrained in me. I began teaching swimming to non-swimmers at a 4-H summer camp when I was 14 years old. And began my training as a Montessori teacher at 22. After 10 years of teaching in schools and summer camps, I went to massage school and was teaching massage for trauma by the time I graduated. So this sabbatical time of not teaching has been restful. But once all the naps were taken and I began to feel restless and longing for traveling, I just got this itch. I needed to teach something, even just a little.
We had driven to Keene, New Hampshire for Marshall to choose new glasses frames. I was sitting waiting impatiently as I so often do. I really shouldn’t be allowed to be bored. I turn into one of those kids at the back of the bus up to no good. I was watching a mother and daughter trying on new frames, asking each other how do these look. The daughter found a pair she really liked, put them on, and asked her mom- how do these look? I said, “I don’t like them. You have very beautiful eyes and the frame should surround your eye socket to frame your eyes and those frames just block us from seeing you and your beautiful eyes. Try that round pair.” They both looked at me dumbfounded. Then the mother said, “John Calvi! I’d know that voice anywhere. I’ve taken workshops with you at 3 different Quaker meetings.”
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I was lost in a large supermarket looking for something I couldn’t find and not sure what I would substitute for this recipe. I was also feeling a bit lost on one of those gray days when you wake up and not sure what you are doing in your life and one seems neither as cute or smart as yesterday and what disaster might be on it’s way coming and I don’t feel well but maybe I’m just worried but not sure what about kind of days. That’s when a woman made her way up to me in my befuddleness and said, “I know this is not the place to say this but I just want to say that your work with me all those years ago saved my life and I will be ever grateful to you for your gifts in healing work.” It was a balm to my unsteadiness.
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Sometimes when one is lifted out of the water, there is no sense of place or purpose. I’ve had some of that this sabbatical. I’ll be out into the day and with free time I might get to worrying what am I doing with myself and my life. Sometimes this comes in a voice of doubt and impatience, which completely ignores all I’ve been doing. It helps to remind myself of another time- I was exhausted and resting at Pendle Hill the Spring term of 1990. I had traveled to teach to 30 groups in one year and helped several friends with AIDS to die. I was really pooped. And by and by as I rested but had no work of my usual healing trauma topic to tend to, I came to wondering who I was and what was I doing and where had gravity gone now that I had stepped out of my work harness. I was feeling particularly lost one day when someone said to me in passing, “I didn’t know you wrote that wonderful song. That’s great”, she said with a big smile. “Yes”, I said trying to be casual, “I was so happy when Meg Christian recorded it.” “What?” she said, “I was talking about A Little Gracefulness by the Short Sisters. What song did Meg do of yours?” “The Ones Who Aren’t Here”, I said. Now she had big tears in her eyes and said, “You wrote that?! That is my most favorite song ever!” It was just the little boost I needed to remind me who I was amidst my drifting.
Of the many wonderful aspects of sabbatical- unscheduled time, release from duties, self-care- I find the most luxurious to be time and space within my own mind to wonder. Maybe I am waking up late or stacking firewood or driving to visit a friend. As I leave the patterns of work and over-work and choose more simple tasks, there is a softening of focus. Instead of keeping track of multiple projects and keeping a hard focus on sequence, information, and quality of mind and touch- I am doing some physical motion simple enough to allow ideas and thoughts to come and go as my mind wanders. And the longer this becomes the new practice, the better I am at noticing when something important comes along or some thought is just a delight and a lift to my being, just being. As I wonder about my life, how’d I come here to this now, what is it I know and understand, and what are the parts I haven’t a clue of and might I know more than I think I do- all safely wondered and gazed at in slow motion. And in some wonderful quiet and still moments comes news of what I now can understand of some knot that has been tied tightly for so long. It’s as though a deep breath has come at last to the thirsty lung.
Chief among the sabbatical luxuries is solitude. I have always, all my life, needed more time to myself than anyone I know. It’s difficult to explain. Often it feels as though my clearest sense what I am feeling isn’t possible until there is no one else around- as though others feelings clog my radar until what is mine is unclear. I did not consciously learn the discipline of solitude as a pragmatic professional and spiritual practice for someone of my gifts until I was in my 30’s. And then what might be possible unfolded in bright colors after years of yearning for goodness knows what. What was all this feeling and sensitivity for? Why could I feel where the trouble was in the room or in one person’s body? Why did I know the questions to help sort out confusion and pain but was too shy to speak or believe I might know something?
As sabbatical has gone on I’ve grown used to the vast luxury of time and not pushing. It feels like the rest of a lifetime, an island of calm I only dreamed of. Part of me wants to live here as a contemplative and live in the quiet. An equal part of me wants to use this immense gift of time and restoration to reenter the fray of trauma and torture work. I will have to toss the salad carefully in the future as these are not opposites within me but rather dancing partners needing each other for balance. The quiet and stillness and wonder and solitude bring all my best self, all my strength, and all my learning forward. And the work moves all the learning and readiness into a dance. The task again and again is to be graceful. Not to stay at rest nor to live solely in work but to have each refresh and inform the other in every cycle, at all levels.
How odd to understand this now when maybe half my working years are done. On the one hand my mentors gave me just what I needed all along the way. On the other hand, I spent the first 18 years surviving and didn’t begin to inventory the damage and wash the wounds until later. Like each of us, I am right on time- no matter how much in my impatience I would like it to be different.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
October Sabbatical Journal 2008
October Sabbatical Journal 2009
I really wanted to help. Any mother who has lost two children needs help and in her particular culture grief is done in very restrictive ways. To lose a spouse, a sibling, a parent, a dear friend- all can be very sad. But to lose a child is the worst burden of grief known to humans. And to lose two- once as a young mother and later as an old woman, this called for the wailing and screams not permitted. She is short and cheery. An immigrant of many years, she speaks little English. She’s heard only a little about me and seen me just a bit but when someone in her family says he might help, she says yes. As soon as my hands are over her, I want to run away in terror. If you’ve smelled death and thought you might retch, or seen too much blood and thought you might pass out, well, think of feeling so much grief that your heart would break forever. That’s what I felt and there are no gloves in this work- only allowing the feeling to wash over me and move through. No flinching, no cowering, stand facing the wave and feel every bit of myself joining her experience as though it were my own feeling. My face breaks into weeping and my mouth is contorted though I am silent. I know anyone with any measure of antenna can feel this down the block and around the corner. Marshall felt it in the kitchen- ultimate sadness he called it. I am a bit out of practice. Eleven months of sabbatical with no hands on work and no teaching has lessened my preparation disciplines. So when I enter the work her wave of grief feels larger than it would otherwise. I am not removed by focusing on the Light nor swathed in reverence as I would usually be. As I moved my hands above her and slowly touch her neck and shoulder and belly and feet and knees and hips, I wonder if my guidance is less or my capacity to hear it is less because this witness happened while I was tired and spontaneously without preparations. I wonder if the heart troubles I’ve been having, which have tired me, will be touched by exhaustion. Mostly I am with her and yearn with all my heart for her relief. I’ve asked her to say her favorite prayer while I work and I can’t quite feel if her spiritual connection is working so as to move the work along. On the one hand, all this is familiar and regular- I have my hands on someone in terrible distress again and I am as completely present as possible and know what will come is not up to me and I will be grateful for any blessings. I hope some grace for her learning will make the way smooth or smoother. On the other hand, I am 11 months into a 14-month sabbatical and some of my muscles, as they should be, are slack. What tension is necessary for full attention? What of my own stuff obscures? I don’t know how long we worked- time seems so unlikely as a measure or something unreal during work. But I feel I’ve touched all places I’ve been led to and it’s time to close. I remove my hands from her feet and stand above her. I swoop my hands in the Tai Chi move of Big Cloudy Hands gathering up all her energy and raise my arms to the ceiling, heavenward, with feelings of thanks and here she is and please give what’s needed. And as I lower my arms hoping some gifts are washed over her, I step back and raise my hands again asking to be washed and to say thank you for this opportunity to love and as I bring my hands down I cross my arms in front of my torso and finish standing straight my feet in good balance position holding my whole body without stress, palms down. I ask her to rest a while and this is translated to her. She nods without opening her eyes. It’s time for me to leave. It was a very large witness. Later at home, I drink a large glass of something very cold and lie down for a nap where I sleep deeply and gratefully the rest of the afternoon. I hear later that she laughed for the first time in a long time. So much here that is beyond words- the gifts, the disciplines, the Light that washes, the reverence.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
August & September Sabbatical Journal 2009
Sabbatical Journal August & September 2008
It wasn’t very dramatic or even scary really. Just waking up on a Saturday and feeling like I’d slept on something wrong which now needed to be stretched out to restore circulation- an arm maybe or just a hand. But it was my heart. I could feel the rhythm was off and I felt a bit light headed. I wasn’t in pain, no nausea, no sweats- just some sense that something important was a bit off regular. I had a shower, felt more light headed, sat on the couch and told Marshall, and then called my cousin Annette- Super RN. Time for a clinic she says. We are on Cape Cod and the EKG at the clinic shows things are a bit off. I take the suggested ride in the ambulance because it seemed unfair to Marshall to drive me, and my possible heart attack an hour to the hospital, though I didn’t feel sick enough to warrant an ambulance. With oxygen, all symptoms disappear. 3rd and 4th EKGs are normal. It seems that some backside of my heart didn’t get quite enough oxygen but other than that I don’t have enough illness to show what’s wrong. A stress test with my hospital later on at home shows only a normal 57 year old over weight who seems stubborn enough to go longer than needed to show he’s fine.
I did have a moment or two in the ambulance when I set aside the idea that I was really OK and opened to the idea that maybe this was serious and I was in trouble. What would I do about open-heart surgery? Or not being able to work or go upstairs? Of course, I didn’t take the middle road consideration, which is order the chicken Caesar and 86 on the next 10 bacon cheeseburgers. I had a sad deep moment about surgery and large life changes/limitations. And then I got back to the moment and felt badly that Marshall had to drive alone on a beautiful morning when we should have been at the beach while I got to enjoy a very perky EMT and be in an ambulance going very fast without being in pain or scared much.
I had been working outside most of June and July. I schlepped about 1,000 pounds of soil, lumber, and flagstone into the back yard for garden beds and placed the flagstone outside the 3 south facing doors. After planting the garden and mowing the 3 acres of slope, I began making a stonewall. I got a stairs mostly made and laid some very large rocks as the wall base. And then I stopped.
Something inside had shifted. Instead of going outside to work, I thought of things to do in the house or errands to run. I was anxious, restless, and couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t bring myself to return to the discipline of daily outdoor work, which I’d arranged for my own health. Instead I’d sort a linen closet or clean a desk or oil the dining room table or shop a secondhand store for some bargain (a $90 Sabatier cleaver for $4- oh ye of little faith keep shopping!).
So, I watched this tension and fear moving in me and wondered at its source. It took a few weeks but on a long drive through beautiful Vermont farmland on a gorgeous summers day, it became clear. As I worked outside I could feel my body change. Muscles were more flexible, blood pressure lower, and my posture shifted from fat out of shape person to fat stronger person preparing to lose weight. And very quietly deep within me I could feel the young child sexually abused not wanting to lose the protection of being fat and unattractive. Some moments of sadness, some quiet grief for this young part of me. And then sorting out the puzzle.
The puzzle- I am on sabbatical to become more healthy and return to work. Part of more healthy is losing weight. My blood pressure requires it- I might be able to get off medication if I lose 30 pounds. I’ve osteoporosis (I’ve testosterone therapy stories that shouldn’t be told in public!) and the weight lifting helps bone retain calcium. My sleep disorder of not getting down to REM sleep is better with physical work. How then to tend to this young resistance within me and get back on the path? Patience, calm, and reassurance- in all ways, at all times- this is what I learned as a Montessori teacher of young children for 10 years.
Today I spent the morning and afternoon mowing our field. It was my first day back outside working hard. My heart was into the work and I never got winded as I did mowing back in June- so my body must be getting better. Resistance came only in hints and calm reassurance seemed to be enough. It will take me another 2 days to finish the mowing. And then there are 3 cords of wood to stack. And I’d like to paint at least the south side of the house before it gets cold. And I’ll also need to clean out the tool shed and collect kindling before I move the wood shed. Back in a groove, it seems. Oh yes, the stone wall should get done in there too along with emptying the night soil from the outhouse. Plus bring in the tomatoes for spaghetti sauce. 10 pints of pesto already in the freezer.
In my spare time, I need to convene a clearness committee to ponder re-entering my work opposing torture. I’ve some questions to ask others and seek their questions to increase my understanding, broaden my horizon. Other than that, not much else is new.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
22 Years Later - September 14th
22 years ago today, Marshall and I met for the first time. It was the last warm day of summer. I was at the gay swimming hole in the area, the Rock River and he came along. In all this time what amazes me most is that we love each other more. Over time the surrender to deeper love has become greater. I had no inkling of this in the marriages I saw coming up. And up to that time I had never known a gay couple for any length of time that were long term. I’ve always seen marriages that don’t feel quite right to me. There seems more separation than joining, more not quite knowing one another as deeply, and not noticing when the breath around the other changes. Our marriage is my greatest teacher about myself, the world, and observing the dance we enter into with another at any level. I wonder at times why this miracle has been granted me. I think of others I’ve known who never got a chance for true love anywhere in their lives that I could see. I remember the poverty of that state for myself. And from that former vantage point I could never have envisioned the tenderness and togetherness I experience now. One does not learn swimming or driving or sex from a book. And the blending with another life to know all of one another is a path that can be learned, but I can’t imagine it being taught. I remember my first response to knowing I have come upon something very different from what I had ever known was fear. YIKES! This had more power than I’ve seen before. What might this power mean? More chance to be hurt? More need? More work? Yes, all of that and more. I think the thing about great love is that it asks more than we can give and gives more than we can receive. And that balance of too much is a teacher in giving and receiving that goes on and on. Can we increase our receiving? Yes, thank goodness. Can we increase our giving? Yes and hooray for that too. But for me the learning has been slow. I think it took the first 7 years of being together for me to really begin to let in this other life. And by now we have a much more graceful dance. We’ve just had a few days on Cape Cod for vacation. Marshall came down with a cold, which limited our time out and about. I woke up on the next to last day with my heart not quite feeling right and had an EKG at each end of an ambulance ride- more on that anon. My main point being that we did our dance of meeting change, maybe disappointment or fear, in maybe the most graceful we’ve ever done. Sure the vacation was changed, but how we were with one another only increased in care and meeting the other where we were. Had these events happened 10 or 15 years ago, I don’t think it would have been as smooth. And like spiritual life, romantic life is cumulative- the more you show up and do the dance, the better one becomes at the dance itself and understanding what the dance is and how to be most graceful. And this shows you who you are at essence- something nearly impossible to find in the midst of noisy American popular culture. I know there are all kinds of teachers and learning situations. Disasters, great gifts, huge change, small learning adding up to larger visions- all are teachers when used well. But I am especially grateful that in my 56 years I’ve had these 22 years of learning in a very specific classroom of life called true love and that together we are acing the surprise quizzes thus far.
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